Well shit.
I tell anyone I can - and I make opportunities to , because it's a cool story, but also shows how much I love my daughter. I changed my last name to my daughter’s middle name. And here’s why.
When I got divorced, she specifically asked me to keep my last name. I wasn’t sure if this was an arbitrary request, or perhaps a wish that things would go back to where it was the three of us , mom, dad & kid Sabatino. So I asked why. “Because I want you and I to have the same last name.” whelp. She got me there. The shared last name was a secure link between her and I, something we literally shared. So I didn’t. She was 12.
By the time she was 15 or 16 she said, “I don’t know why I said that Mom. You can change your last name.” Discussion. But what about wanting us to have the same last name? “I thought it would matter, but it doesn’t. Its fine. You could change it.”
Why did I need to change it? - why couldn’t I stay a Sabatino? Because I wasn’t a Sabatino. I pulled out of that clique. I expressed displeasure with one of their members, and therefore I played for the other team. This was shown to me in various actions, but said outright to me several times. “They are MY family” afterall. I was told that I couldn’t use the name to get things anymore (not that I ever had, or even considered that was a thing). Perhaps I should have thought about this when I used a pseudonym when I put my writing out into the world because I didn’t want to either capitalize on the “Sabatino” name, or be accused of that was why someone read it. I also had the fear of “what if it sucks?” and have that connected to the Sabatino name. I felt like I was taught to protect that reputation and name.
There were a few times when I was asked, “Oh are you related to Ed Sabatino?” But I was also asked once about a different Sabatino that I had never even heard of. It didn’t happen as much as I thought it would - because I was taught that it would. “I hope you don’t mind if someone comes up to us at dinner and talks to me like they know me.” I asked “like , asking for an autograph?” he laughed, “Sometimes.” - and if you pointed out to him that sounded a bit douchey he would probably look at you with those big brown eyes, shrug with a little smile and say, “but its true.”
By the time I decided that I was changing it, I was so tired of it. Not to mention that every time someone used my full my name I was reminded of my ex. I wondered if my current partner felt that way? If every time he heard my full name it was a reminder that I “belonged”* to someone else before him. (* I am referencing the way the naming system worked in history, not a D/m dynamic). He said he didn’t think of it that way. His ex-wife still uses his last name. He doesn’t think of her having his last name as a connection between them. Their son, however, is.
The kicker was when I was getting a colonoscopy. Yes - a colonoscopy. The anesthesiologist stands over me - is about to wish me a bon voyage and he asks that exact question, “Any relation to Ed Sabatino?”
I say, annoyed, because here I am going in for a colonoscopy …. “ He’s my EX.” This motherfucker proceeds to dotter on about the radio station and the morning show and … and … at one point he asks, “He’s a nice guy though, yeah?” Are you fucking kidding me? Just put me under already, I say, “Well, he is my EX.” the anesthesiologist offers a goofy smile shrug. I’m not angry. This guy is obviously a social idiot. And he fits the demographic (the WPLR, Eddie Sab, Chz & AJ demographic). I decide I can never tell my ex this story. I cannot give him that ego boost. Can you even imagine? I can’t even get away from him in a colonoscopy. No, this name has got to go.
I struggled a little bit on what I should make it. I wasn’t a fan of my maiden name. It was clunky on the tongue, semi hard to spell. And it was my father’s, which was his fathers, and his mother’s. I didn’t exactly want to go back to a connection with my grandmother. She was a crazy mean lady. She was terrifying. I had no emotional connection with that name. Or my dad. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good relationship with my dad. He wasn’t the best DAD, and I have my issues and childhood trauma. Although, we certainly got along and could hang out. If I were to pick I would probably be more emotionally connected to my mother, and her side of the family - but her maiden name wasn’t fantastic, and it was just really her father’s name. At some point the fact that every last name was connected to the men in the family started to gnaw at me. Even though relationship wise our family is much more matriarchal. The people we knew and saw were on the mother’s side. Burwell. Seward. Burns. Still not an emotional connection. I realized at some point I didn’t have to stick to last names, as so many last names can be first names and vice versa. I had a desire to not be driven by the cliche of the men’s last names. But in the end, they all are. That’s just how our society in the US works. I had a desire to not be linked with another man. I had changed my name to a man’s for my first marriage, and then back to my father’s name, and then changed to my 2nd husband’s when we married. I didn’t want to change it back to my father’s name. It felt like punishment. It felt like defeat. Like I was moving backwards instead of forward. Things I did not want to do. I was not defeated. I was moving forward.
I came back to why K didn’t want me to change my name in the first place. Because it was something we shared. We shared a name. How could we continue to share a name? Anna Kadence? …. No. But Anna Elise? That is pretty. It is a little one-namey-ish, like Prince, or Madonna , but its not.
*
As I listened randomly to White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane, references made me chuckle as I remembered people used to call my mom Alice. We don’t know why. Her theory was because it kinda sounded like Gladys. She said that multiple times, often even, when she would introduce herself, “Gladys”, people somehow heard or remembered “Alice”. She took note of the coincidence, and flowed with it. It became her secret name. Her joke name. Sometimes her nickname with certain people. I asked her one time (as teenage girls do), “If you could change your name to anything - what would it be?” Her answer was Alice. She didn’t like Gladys that much.
When naming Kadence - Ed and I were working through names. We had a plan - names that we had picked out years prior. Lucian Thomas if a boy. Lucy was his beloved and treasured Nonnie. Thomas was my dad. For a girl, Maddelina Lucille -Maddelina was my father’s grandmother, who was beloved and treasured, went blind from her abusive husband punching her in the face, and diabetes (most probably just the latter, but my dad believed that the punching made that part of her body perhaps weaker) - it was her that the mirror, the radio, and the clock belonged to. The clock that my dad said we couldn’t reface the worn away face of the clock. To tell time, his grandmother would open the glass face door, and felt where the arms of the clock were. He also said that the mirror goes over the radio, and the clock goes on the radio - but I’ve broken that rule already. But this baby didn’t feel like those names. This baby felt like her very own person, and needed her very own name.
It felt like it should be something musical. Because one of the factors that the birth mother picked us for was our love of music. We scrolled the internet for musical names. Lyric. Melody. Symphony. Cadence… And Ed was a drummer (get it?). But with a K. and for short we could call her Kadie. Like Katie. But not. Oh I fucking loved this name. It. Was.Cool. Kids with weird names always wish they had a normal name. Kadie sounds normal. Kids with boring names always wish they had a cool name. Done: Kadence, with a K. And Ed liked it. bonus . So to the internet again for a middle name. What syllables go with 2 syllable first names. Alice catches my eye. Versions of Alice. Alyce. Elyce. Elice. Elise…. Like Fur Elise, which happens to be my favorite classical piece. Elise sounds a little like Lisa too. (Ed’s sister) . Elise. Alice. My daughter’s middle name is honoring my mom.
Well shit. It is now my Last Name.
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