When a person gets married, sometimes the extended families mingle. Sometimes they do not. Sometimes the extended families bond quite closely with the new family member - they become accepted and loved as ‘one of the family’. If this is truly meant and felt, then this love and acceptance is unconditional, and will not falter if the marriage dissolves. This is what I have grown up observing, and being part of. Exes invited to family gatherings. In Laws embracing the Ex with arms open, hugs and kisses, and “you will always be part of our family.” You became one of us, you are one of us, and we are not kicking you out just because you had a falling out with one of our clan. That is between you two, not us. We are family. For each other, and for the children, and the children’s children. There is never such thing as too much love.
Unless the family is enmeshed. That's a very real, very intense word. And A very real thing. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enmeshment“where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development.” For example one’s problems becomes everyone’s problems, one’s stress is everyone’s stress. This is often hidden behind the reasoning, “because they care so much.” Perhaps parents help or advise to the point where the children do not have to do things on their own, or take responsibility for themselves, again “because they care” or “are only trying to help”. Help to the detriment that the children are not developing into their own individuals, learning skills to be independent, etc. Any fight against this enmeshment is seen as disloyal or disrespectful. And then if you enter divorce into the mix, that enmeshed core family is faced with an a deserter from their regiment (and I choose the military word on purpose, because it is much like this) Hurt one, hurt us all. Then they believe they are sticking with their family. THEIR family. Forgetting, or disregarding, that they had accepted the other as part of their team, as part of their family. Perhaps that ex was actually never accepted then, never truly loved, never truly part of the family.
Divorce is painful. It's a long journey with all the degrees of grief. And it's painful for both sides, whether it was a balanced decision or one leaving another. It is still painful for both sides. Having to let go of an extended family, that you thought loved you, only adds to that pain. Having to come to terms with the facts that mistakes were made, that your life will now be forever different, to forgive yourself, to forgive your partner. To want to be happy, to want your partner to be happy. So much conflicted emotions to deal with - conflict between you and your Ex. Very personal private pain that is felt on both sides. Conflict that you may need to protect your children from. And then to know that you will lose the love of the people who claimed to have accepted you, to love you, also. To know that the children will be torn between two sides, not because you willed it, but because one side has fortified its defenses against you.
I have been told “I will always be your uncle, no matter if I am married to your aunt or not”. I have seen Exhusbands and new fiances, at the same table with exwives and their new loves. I have seen blended families not only at school or activities but at picnics and parties. This was the norm for me.
This is what I knew. I am still learning, apparently.
Afterthought: I implore those who may "choose a side" out of loyalty; please remember that each person in a relationship is equally responsible for its success or demise. And it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Please remember who that person was to you, for you. Remember that they were loving and supportive to you. Remember that they were very much your family or friend, no matter who they were married to. Remember that your relationship is separate from "their" relationship. You are not part of that relationship. What happened between them did not happen to You. They did not decide to divorce you. They did not leave you. You may find that they are exactly where you left them. Loving you.
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