What is Love?

(please read the post script at the end, added June 4, 2015

What is Love?

I started writing this blog entry with the idea that I had something to say – when really, I have nothing to say at all.  All the things that I am thinking about love, have been thought.  They have been said, and written about, many times over.  And yet – I feel like so many have forgotten.  And keep forgetting on a regular basis. 

So what is love anyway?

When I was a teenager – I had an intense epiphany where I believed I had discovered the meaning of life.  It was love.  Sounds so cliché now. “Love is the reason we live.” I theorized.  It could be adapted to any religion, all religion.  It was the “truth” that everyone sought.  But yet, everyone – all these great philosophers and cosmic soul searchers have been trying to figure this out since the beginning of time,  I, at 15, figured it out.  Before I even had a real relationship.  If I figured out the meaning of life at 15 – what did that mean about the rest of my life?  I had it all figured out.  Now what? 

But what is love?  If Life was Love, and Love was life – what did that mean?   

I wrote a poem when once, trying to define love.  And to this day my definition then, some 20 years later, I can still say it is appropriate.  Perhaps I will post it somewhere, someday.    

You see, dear reader – I was asked this question by a man, who was at the time, my lover.  (Oh, he was my boyfriend, I suppose I should say that.  But it sounds more eloquent and sensual to say he was my lover.)  He was at the time trying to say that he didn’t love me.  Perhaps, even, ::gasp:: “break up with me.”  And that I knew he was lying.  I knew he loved me.  I knew he loved me more than he had loved any woman so far in his rather young life.  He loved me more than some of his friends, and as much as himself.  (not that we should compare loves, or put a measure on love)   And not to say that he didn’t know it.  Because he knew it.  He was keenly aware that he cared for me and the depth.  But that love, That love wasn’t the love that he was looking for.  That wasn’t what he thought he should be feeling for me.  And so he asked, “What IS love?”

What he was looking for was the soul consuming, self-sacrificing love that is portrayed in books and movies, the stuff that poets and artists waxed philosophical about.  The Romeo and Juliet love, or  the Happily Ever After Love.  I believe he thought I would be heartbroken when he admitted that he did not feel this way to me.  I was not his soul mate, his one true love.  Firstly, I didn’t know if I even believed in soul mates, or one true loves at that time (that’s a different blog for a different time), but I also knew that he was NOT that for me either.  But, more so, I wasn’t looking for that in my life.  But did that mean I didn’t love him?  Or he, me?  Certainly it did not. 

So what is love?

(according to several dictionary like sources) The definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection towards someone or something.  A deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.  Strong or constant affection for a person/thing.  To like or desire something, very much.  To take great pleasure in something.  To hold dear, to cherish, to feel passion, devotion or tenderness for.

Is there a difference between the love that I feel for my husband, or my daughter, my friends, or a great milkshake?  Yes, of course.  And no.  It is still love.   I have come to define love for me as:  If something were to happen to that thing, that person, that entity, would I be upset, would I be sad? That is love to me.  There are several degrees, measures of love within itself.  I certainly love my husband and daughter more than a milkshake, or anything else you might throw my way - but I do love a good milkshake! 

 Do I love my friends?  Yes.  Do I love that shirt? Yes.  Do I love that stranger?  Yes.  Do I love that bastard of an ex who treated me like crap? (NOT the same ex as mentioned above just to be clear)  With much thought and soul searching, yes.   But, dear reader – truth is, I wish no harm on anyone – even that bastard ex – so do I love everyone and everything?  I suppose, yes.

Even if I haven’t spoken to you in weeks, months, years – I still love you.  Even if you have left me, scarred and aching, I still love you.  Even if you do not think that you love me – that does not take away the fact, that I still love you.  

Then, I am to wonder – does this make my love less valuable?  Given the concept of supply and demand:  If I freely give my love away, indiscriminately, some times unconditionally, does that make my love any less valuable than that of a judgmental sort who loves very little, and sparingly?

My ability to love does not make me weak.  It does not make me vulnerable.  More so – it makes me strong, even all mighty!

What is love, then? 

What did I say to that boy who asked me, “What is love?”   I’ll tell you what it is not.  It is not only romantic love.  It is not only sexual love.  It is not only for family or close knit friends, or a beloved pet, or a favorite movie or song.  Loving me is not saying you want to be with me forever – it is saying that you care about me, and us, and our relationship.  Love does not have to be defined, and it should not be confined to your definition, or my definition.  It is mine, and it is yours, and it is everyone’s, and we are lucky enough to share it together, in this crazy world that is so set on definitions and confinements.   

Love is why we are here, together, on this tiny little planet, in this tiny little universe. 

Love is the meaning of Life.

When I was 15, I had it all figured out. 

And apparently, I was right.  

 ..... and I know you are thinking immediately of this song ... I know I was!! , but no!!!

What is Love - Haddaway

POST - SCRIPT:  June 4, 2015  

and then I found this excerpt that helps my clarify definition & perspective from A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches of Martin Luther King Jr. by Martin Luther King, Jr., edited by James M. Washington. buy it here

"The Greek language comes to our aid in trying to deal with this. There are three words in the Greek language for love; one is the word eros. This is a beautiful type of love, it is an aesthetic love. Plato talks about it a great deal in his Dialogue, the yearning of the soul for the realm of the divine. It has come to us to be a sort of romantic love, and so in a sense we have read about it and experienced it. We've read about it in all the beauties of literature. I guess in a sense Edgar Allan Poe was talking about eros when he talked about his beautiful Annabelle Lee, with the love sur­rounded by the halo of eternity. In a sense Shakespeare was talking about eros when he said 'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove; O'no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken, it is the star to every wandering bark.' (You know, I remember that because I used to quote it to this little lady when we were courting; that's eros.) The Greek lan­guage talks about philia which was another level of love. It is an intimate affection between personal friends, it is a reciprocal love. On this level you love because you are loved. It is friendship.

"Then the Greek language comes out with another word which is called the agape. Agape is more than romantic love, agape is more than friendship. Agape is understanding, creative, redemptive, goodwill to all men. It is an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return. Theo­logians would say that it is the love of God operating in the human heart. So that when one rises to love on this level, he loves men not be­cause he likes them, not because their ways appeal to him, but he loves every man because God loves him. And he rises to the point of loving the person who does an evil deed while hating the deed that the person does. I think this is what Jesus meant when he said 'love your enemies.'

"I'm very happy that he didn't say like your enemies, because it is pretty difficult to like some people. Like is sentimental, and it is pretty diffi­cult to like someone bombing your home; it is pretty difficult to like somebody threatening your children; it is difficult to like congressmen who spend all of their time trying to defeat civil rights. But Jesus says love them, and love is greater than like. Love is understanding, redemptive, creative, goodwill for all men."

personal post script:  

And If I tell you I love you - well, friend, that still is something exquisite and extraordinary, something to be revered and treasured. Yes, I mean it.  and That does make you special.   Don't you ever doubt that.

But also, I determined to NEVER be the person who is despairing at some point that "I never told them I loved them .."   or "They didn't know that I loved them."