To Thine Ownself Be True

 “This above all: to thine ownself be true” or What not to write in your journal.

Since the beginning of time, people have been keeping journals.  Especially young females, prepubescent to pubescent girls.  (I don’t mean to be sexist about it, but that part just seems to be true).  We called them diaries then.  I’m not sure how old you got to be when you started calling them journals.  It was about the time when it went from I (heart) Johnny, with glitter and purple pens to straight black scribbling, and stories of how unfair our parents or our teachers were.  Or how cruel the world in general was.  Or how beautiful the snow was when it was freshly fallen, and untouched.  Or how the wind upon the salty sea was like our soul.  That’s about it – right when we starting getting poetic with our language and introspective about our souls, then it was no longer a diary, it was a journal.

The purpose of a journal is to give yourself an outlet for your emotions, your thoughts.  Perhaps you need to clarify your thoughts, weigh pros and cons of a situation.  Try to see a different side.  Perhaps you don’t know what or how you are feeling at all.  Putting words to paper (so to speak) can also get those toxic emotions out – allow yourself to be angry, to be scared – on paper, where no one else can see or judge.  Or maybe you are going through something testing, or even wonderful, and you want to remember everything.  Every moment, every breath, every movement, every touch, every feeling.  So you write it down.  So you will never forget.    

Most times a diary is a secret friend.   You can say whatever you want, whenever you want.  It is all accepting and nonjudgemental.  You can swear.  You can tell your boss off.  You can admit your crush on your wife’s best friend.  You do not need to censor yourself.  You can be as honest and as true as you could possibly want.  This is the theory, right?    “This above all: to thine ownself be true”. 

Then why keep it a secret then?  Why have a secret diary?  Why not put it all out there? Throw it all out into the wind, and see what comes back.  I think in a lot of ways social media does this for us now.  It lets us journal our lives in little bits (sometimes only 140 characters at a time).  Sometimes it’s little things, like “I’m having spaghetti for dinner”, or something life shattering like “My dad died today.”   But we throw these little tidbits out into the world, into the social media world, and see what we get back.  Sometimes, nothing.  Sometimes, everything.   Most times those little bits don’t tell the whole story.  Perhaps you are having spaghetti for dinner, but maybe it’s the first time you had spaghetti.  Ever.  Or maybe you made your very own spaghetti with the new pasta maker you got as a wedding present, and it’s the first dinner you’ve ever cooked a meal as a married person.  That’s entirely different, isn’t it?  It means must more than those 140 characters.  

“This above all: to thine ownself be true”.  If we were true to ourselves at all times, honest with the world at all times, then we wouldn’t have to worry about anyone reading our diaries would we?  Everyone would know that you have a crush on Johnny, or that your chemistry teacher is a bitch.  Or that you really aren’t comfortable hugging “Uncle” Toby or his creepy son, Jeffrey.  But we are afraid of what people think.  Of being judged.  And we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But if we write it down, no one is being hurt.  It’s a secret.  It’s hidden.  No one has to know.   

Except that person who will read it.  And someone WILL read it. 

 Friends, I warn you.  Someone.  Someday.  Will read those journals.  Maybe it will be your mischievous younger brother, who wants some ammunition against you, and now threatens to divulge your illicit time spent in darkened corners with Johnny.  Or maybe it’s a spouse, who just happened to come across it while looking for his latest issue of Maxim magazine.  Or maybe, just maybe, it’s your daughter going through your things just after your untimely or timely death. 

Maybe you planned it that way.  Maybe you wanted someone to find it, and read it.  And what a load off it is that your secrets are now known.  Now someone knows how you felt about Johnny.  How you cheated on your chemistry test.  How alone you feel when you close your door, blocking the world out.  How you just wish it was over sometimes, how you just wish things were different;  People were different.  You were different.  And maybe someone will read it, and understand.  And you won’t be alone anymore.  You will find out that you aren’t the only one thinking these things, feeling these things.  How wonderful that would be.  Would it take the pain away?  No.  Would it change things?  No.  But to know that you aren’t the only one, that is worth it, isn’t it? 

How about the person reading it, though?  Have you thought about them?  How they might feel about reading it;  Finding out these secrets?  Then having to look at you in the morning, or worse! not get to look at you at all.  You have released the weight of these emotions onto the world via the written page, for the reader to pick up and carry for you.  When you are writing your journal, imagine that someone has found it.  Imagine that you are long gone – whether away at college, or into the Heavens above.  And those who you have left behind have found it, and are blessed with your words of wisdom, or folly.  These are words that you wanted to say, but could not.  For whatever reason you just could not.  Let your words show your heart and your soul.  Let your words explain your most confused and your most clear days.  Do not scribe words that you would not dare say, not ever.  Words that you would not want to be read.  These will be the words that will hurt the most, and for that reason, when you mean them the least. Let them see the part of you that you only showed glimpses of, hinted at. Let them see it all.  Yes, the bad and the good.  The evil and the malevolent, the lustful and the innocent.  All consuming, and beautiful.      

But friends, my warning continues:  “To thine ownself be true.” Be true to yourself.  In everything you do.  In every step you take, word you speak, and every thing you write.  Be True.  Then there will be no surprises in the end.